And life is eternal;
and love is immortal;
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
On Tuesday I attended the memorial service of my last grandparent, my mother’s mother – Joyce Barbara Harris Hubert Sexton. It was held in Denver, Colorado – a beautiful and free spirited place, that truly suited the kind of person she was.
It is odd to me that through her death, I feel closer to her than I ever felt to her during her life. Somehow, as my family members sat around drinking beer and telling the many wild stories about my grandmother, I was able to derive an image of her that I have been seeking for many years.
Throughout my life, I have always felt slightly gypped in the grandparent department. To start with, both of my grandfathers passed before my birth. My grandmothers were always in states so distant, that trips were rare. Phone calls also were infrequent, and generally only consisted of the kinds of surface level questions that grandparents always ask – how is school? What did you do yesterday? What’s your favorite subject?
As I entered college I started to feel as though I was missing out on something in having such a small relationship with my grandmother. Knowing that phone calls would never really let us get to know each other, I wrote her a letter. It was a long letter, that said more than I normally would tell. I signed it “Write Back! Olivia.”
I don’t know why, but my grandmother never did. I assume she just read my plea as just another way to sign a letter. I know that her non-response was not intentional. But – I decided that I had tried, and perhaps Joy and I weren’t destined to be best friends.
This past Tuesday, as I heard stories about her, I couldn’t help but to learn how much we had in common all along. She was so interesting, and had so many stories to tell. Though she was always reserved to tell them – I can’t help but wish I had tried harder.
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5 comments:
Olivia- I had a similar experience in July when my uncle died. He was 45 years old and had been battling a brain tumor for about eight years. He had five kids and was an important part of our big, Italian family, but he's always been one of the quieter ones. He'd stand in a corner at family events and occasionally shout something funny or pick on my or my sister or yell at one of his kids. He had hard, worn hands from being a roofer and a carpenter and a huge, loving smile. But I could always tell that there was a lot about him, a lot about his past, that I would never know, and maybe it was better that way. When he died, I learned some things that weren't exactly positive about his life, but they made him who he was. I wasn't incredibly close to him, especially since we moved when I was nine, but I remember when he met Reid, and he looked at him and told him to be good to me. And I remember his last vacation, which he took with his family and mine. And when I looked at him in his casket at the wake, I just kept thinking about how he wouldn't want all this fuss made over him...Basically I'm just rambling on because I miss my uncle but I feel like I can relate to you in wishing you had more of a relationship with your grandmother. My grandfather had quadruple bypass surgery a few summers ago and isn't doing too well with the loss of his son, and I can't help but wonder...what can I do to strengthen that relationship before it's too late?
I think we always wish we'd tried harder to be close to those we've lost, whether it's prematurely or to old age. Having lost relatives in the same way you have, to old age, and to the same way Kaitlin has, I have to say, in both cases, you always wish you'd tried harder. But I think maybe the thing to focus on is not the "tried harder" part, but the "tried" part, and know that you do have memories, and you do have a connection, whether or not it's as big or as strong as you'd like, it's there. She's still your grandmother, and she lives in you in more ways than just memory.
Hey Olivia - I'm a reporter with The Sun News and I saw that you're helping with the DTV switch. I'm on deadline -- can you give me a call asap to speak with me about your experience? Thought this might be a quick & easy way to get in touch with you.
Lisa Fleisher
The Sun News
843-626-0317
lfleisher@thesunnews.com
thanks!
Beautiful reflection!
Dad
I had no idea your grandmother just passed recently- my deepest condolences dear. I had a similar experince with my grandparents- both of my grandmothers as well as my paternal grandfather all died before I was even born. My mother's father died when I was about 8 so I've been without grandparents for a while now. But I always felt jipped and sad when people would talk about their grandparents. Memories have sadly faded a little over the years, but I'll always remember that every time we went to his house he would offer us m&m's, which he kept in the fridge. I can't eat m&m's without thinking of that and it makes me grateful for what I had, which I guess is all we can do-cherish what was instead of regretting what wasn't.
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