pleasing people.

What is the difference between a muffin and a cupcake?

Nothing, really.

A muffin is a cupcake that we eat for breakfast. Sure, we may skip the icing so that we can feel like we are, in fact, doing something good for ourselves. We might also fool ourselves by thinking that replacing oil with milk in the ingredients makes much difference. But the cold hard truth of the matter is – muffins are just cupcakes that make you feel less guilty after you eat one.

There are a lot of things that we do so that we can feel better about ourselves. I was thinking earlier about the purpose behind actions we take – like buying new clothes even though our closets can suffice or adding a new gadget to our repertoire of techy-goods (yes, new iPod shuffle, I’m talking about you). But really, at the end of the day what really makes us feel good are things that are often beyond our control – the love from another or acknowledgement at work.

Lately, I’ve been trying to kick an addiction.

No, I’m not hooked on meth or throwing away thousands on a poker game. Fear not wary parents.

My addiction is much simpler, a little less devastating, but still quite destructive. It was born out of too many years in academia. Too many ups, and too few downs. The coddling of teachers, parents and peers. The unparalleled satisfaction.

I am addicted to pleasing people.

Lately it seems as if everything I do is not for myself. I’m so eager for the enthusiasm and appreciation of others, that my own interests get put on the back burner. Whether it’s spending a bit too much time on a class project, or doing favors that I really shouldn’t take on. Sometimes I look up and realize how cute and juvenile my desire for seeing happiness in others is. I know that wanting to please others isn’t a bad thing, but when their happiness trumps my own there is certainly an issue. Or even worse, on the occasion when my happiness depends on theirs. It’s just bad news bears.

I’ve kicked this addiction before, during my semester abroad in London where the only person I was able to please was myself. I came back to the states like I had just come out of rehab, all refreshed with my new healthy habits. But slowly, I have fallen back into the cadence that is so much a part of me I know it must originate in my heart and pump effortlessly through my veins.

So here I am again. Waking up in the mornings thinking, “Olivia, what do YOU want to do today?”

“Hmmm... eat a muffin.”