personality paradox.

Last year I posted this…

February 24, 2007

I believe that everybody has a couple adjectives by which they can be defined. These words weave together to paint a loose picture of the person – something like a poorly contrived watercolor painting. Though details are indefinite, shapes and figures can still be perceived. Picture a Matisse painting that has been sitting in the rain for a few hours ... or stare at a bright light for 10 seconds then close your eyes – paying close attention to the floating neon shapes. Yes, somehow in my imagination these blurry images can represent the foundation of a personality. Don't ask me how. Just go with it.

I don’t know if it is my time here in London, or the natural growth of self – but I am beginning to wonder if the adjectives that I had chosen as mine are still valid. Is my definition of self supposed to be the true person I am, or an idealistic person I aspire to be? One one hand I want to pursue an idealistic sense of self. But on the other hand, I wonder if I am neglecting parts of my personality that I should be embracing. Is “me” good enough? Or should I keep working at being “better than me”?

I realize that this is not the most interesting post. In fact, no matter how I phrase my sentences, it really is quite confusing. But here is the carry-home message: I am thinking... a lot... about who I am and what I want to be. I am at an extraordinary point in my life where I have an incredible amount of control over my future. If I wanted to, I could change my major and alter where I will be in 5 years completely. It is an uncomfortable amount of power that I’m not quite sure what to do with.

In short, every decision that I make today will play into my life 50 years from now.

No pressure.

I have now decided that I was completely wrong.

Thus, my new post:

The optimist. The wit. The prep. The geek. The rebel. The tomboy. The oxford chic. The self-conscious. The proud. The ambitious. The wandering. The American. The youngster. The wild.

I have always defined myself by the opinions of others. In their fleeting experience with me, I earn an adjective. It is impossible to summarize a personality in a few words, but we all do it with each new acquaintance. It’s like somehow a few words are enough to map an entire person.

But truly, adjectives will never come close to capturing the complexities of the human personality. We are ever-changing. We are temperamental. We are phony. We are honest. If one word was ever given the task of encompassing a personality, it could only be “infinite.”

I decided, about two weeks ago, to stop thinking about my adjectives – and to stop thinking about the adjectives of others.

Maybe, we can just allow each other to be infinite and enjoy the ride instead.